An Open Letter to the State of Maryland
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
If you're not a good reader, listen to this piece through WBEZ.
Dear Maryland,
The state of Illinois would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your generous gift of senatorial candidate Alan Keyes. Before Mr. Keyes left you for Illinois, we didn't have a Republican candidate for senate, and now we have the funniest senate candidate of all time. Here, for instance, is a joke:
Q. What does homosexuality have in common with Alan Keyes hearing the sound of his own voice?
A. "It is a self-centered, selfish, self-oriented pursuit of pleasure."
That's comic gold, Maryland, and we appreciate it. However, it has become necessary for the state of Illinois to return Mr. Keyes to you, because we are pretty sure he is broken.
We accepted the interstate transferal of Mr. Keyes under the mistaken impression that he would be an excellent candidate for senate here in Illinois. After George Ryan's corruption, Jim Ryan's utter lack of charisma, and Jack Ryan's hot hot sex scandal, Alan Keyes was just the man to revive the hopes of Illinois' Republicans: His last name isn't Ryan, and he is neither corrupt nor boring nor perverted. Boy is he not perverted! In short, Alan Keyes appeared to be the best candidate for Senate in Illinois. Other than Barack Obama. And whoever the Libertarian guy was.
But it turns out that giving us Alan Keyes was the meanest trick you could have pulled. As I'm sure you knew from the beginning, Alan Keyes is sort of terrifying. Clearly, Maryland, we've been had. Your east coast booksmarts simply outwitted us. We're embarrassed, sure, but we are also much, much bigger than you.
The citizens of Illinois eat your weight in chili dogs every day, Maryland. We could crush you. So you can't just send us your crazies and expect us to take it lying down. Listen up, Maryland, because we're in charge here.
There are some certain conditions under which we could be persuaded to keep Mr. Keyes here in Illinois.
Condition 1: Give us your coastline.
Condition 2: Trade Ray Lewis and Todd Heap from the Ravens to the Bears in exchange for two 4th-round draft picks in 2007.
Condition 3: Send your National Guardsman on a highly covert operation to invade Virginia, steal its electoral votes, and then mail the aforementioned electoral votes to the City of Chicago, care of Richard M. Daley.
If you choose not to make these concessions, we will return Mr. Keyes to you post haste.
Sincerely,
The Gay Lovin', Democrat Leanin', Assault Weapon Bannin' Great State of Illinois
Dear Maryland,
The state of Illinois would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your generous gift of senatorial candidate Alan Keyes. Before Mr. Keyes left you for Illinois, we didn't have a Republican candidate for senate, and now we have the funniest senate candidate of all time. Here, for instance, is a joke:
Q. What does homosexuality have in common with Alan Keyes hearing the sound of his own voice?
A. "It is a self-centered, selfish, self-oriented pursuit of pleasure."
That's comic gold, Maryland, and we appreciate it. However, it has become necessary for the state of Illinois to return Mr. Keyes to you, because we are pretty sure he is broken.
We accepted the interstate transferal of Mr. Keyes under the mistaken impression that he would be an excellent candidate for senate here in Illinois. After George Ryan's corruption, Jim Ryan's utter lack of charisma, and Jack Ryan's hot hot sex scandal, Alan Keyes was just the man to revive the hopes of Illinois' Republicans: His last name isn't Ryan, and he is neither corrupt nor boring nor perverted. Boy is he not perverted! In short, Alan Keyes appeared to be the best candidate for Senate in Illinois. Other than Barack Obama. And whoever the Libertarian guy was.
But it turns out that giving us Alan Keyes was the meanest trick you could have pulled. As I'm sure you knew from the beginning, Alan Keyes is sort of terrifying. Clearly, Maryland, we've been had. Your east coast booksmarts simply outwitted us. We're embarrassed, sure, but we are also much, much bigger than you.
The citizens of Illinois eat your weight in chili dogs every day, Maryland. We could crush you. So you can't just send us your crazies and expect us to take it lying down. Listen up, Maryland, because we're in charge here.
There are some certain conditions under which we could be persuaded to keep Mr. Keyes here in Illinois.
Condition 1: Give us your coastline.
Condition 2: Trade Ray Lewis and Todd Heap from the Ravens to the Bears in exchange for two 4th-round draft picks in 2007.
Condition 3: Send your National Guardsman on a highly covert operation to invade Virginia, steal its electoral votes, and then mail the aforementioned electoral votes to the City of Chicago, care of Richard M. Daley.
If you choose not to make these concessions, we will return Mr. Keyes to you post haste.
Sincerely,
The Gay Lovin', Democrat Leanin', Assault Weapon Bannin' Great State of Illinois
