Smoking
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Listen to this piece through the WBEZ.
In our continuing attempts to be New York City's jealous little sister, Chicago may ban smoking in restaurants now that New York has decided to do so. Have our city leaders had an original idea since the cows went on parade? Well, here's one: Why don't we just make Michael Bloomberg Acting Mayor of Chicago?
But in this particular case, I happen to be on the side of New York City. Sure, Chicago counts on income from cigarette taxes to pay its bills, and yeah, it's a little hypocritical to simultaneously profit from something and condemn it, but whatever - it's not like smokers can complain. No matter what they say, we can always just come back with, "Your secondhand smoke is killing our children. Now give us our money and go smoke outside."
I just quit smoking, so frankly I don't care if they ban it altogether, just as long as I can still purchase nicotine gum for the bargain basement price of seven dollars per milligram. But why stop at banning smoking in restaurants? It's high time for Chicago to tackle similar public health menaces with unenforcable legislation. And since God knows we can't trust our aldermen to think up original laws, I'm going to take the initiative and offer three innovative ideas that will make Chicago the envy of New York.
1. We've got to ban overeating at restaurants. Obesity is as big (ha ha!) a health risk as smoking. We need to hire thousands of elite anti-obesity commandos to comb the city's restaurants for large people eating large portions. And we've got to shut down restaurants that don't serve healthy food. No more Polish sausages! No more brats! Chicago's restaurants should be legally required to serve only broccoli and prunes.
2. We must stop CTA buses. Those buses emit black clouds of doom the likes of which haven't been seen since the firebombing of Dresden. CTA buses provide all the toxins of second-hand smoking with none of the smug feeling of superiority that accompanies watching some idiot slowly asphyxiate himself with overpriced cancer sticks.
3. No more excessive drinking at bars. Alcohol sales at all establishments must be limited to one glass of wine per customer per day. Like smoking, alcohol is unhealthy to the user as well as the general public. From drunk drivers to drunk bleacher bums urinating on Wrigleyville residents, demon rum clearly causes great harm to Chicago.
These simple measures are sure to drastically improve the health of all Chicagoans. If the war on drugs has proven one thing, it's that prohibition works! Legislating lifestyle choices is an excellent way to ensure that no one ever gets sick or dies.
Or maybe we should just let those poor smokers have their smoking sections. I mean, if the people of Chicago really wanted smoke-free restaurants, wouldn't they only eat at smoke-free restaurants? Maybe if you choose to eat at a restaurant full of second hand smoke, you're smart enough to know what you're doing. And maybe if you're obsessed with breathing clean air, you shouldn't be living within a hundred-mile radius of Gary, Indiana anyway.
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In our continuing attempts to be New York City's jealous little sister, Chicago may ban smoking in restaurants now that New York has decided to do so. Have our city leaders had an original idea since the cows went on parade? Well, here's one: Why don't we just make Michael Bloomberg Acting Mayor of Chicago?
But in this particular case, I happen to be on the side of New York City. Sure, Chicago counts on income from cigarette taxes to pay its bills, and yeah, it's a little hypocritical to simultaneously profit from something and condemn it, but whatever - it's not like smokers can complain. No matter what they say, we can always just come back with, "Your secondhand smoke is killing our children. Now give us our money and go smoke outside."
I just quit smoking, so frankly I don't care if they ban it altogether, just as long as I can still purchase nicotine gum for the bargain basement price of seven dollars per milligram. But why stop at banning smoking in restaurants? It's high time for Chicago to tackle similar public health menaces with unenforcable legislation. And since God knows we can't trust our aldermen to think up original laws, I'm going to take the initiative and offer three innovative ideas that will make Chicago the envy of New York.
1. We've got to ban overeating at restaurants. Obesity is as big (ha ha!) a health risk as smoking. We need to hire thousands of elite anti-obesity commandos to comb the city's restaurants for large people eating large portions. And we've got to shut down restaurants that don't serve healthy food. No more Polish sausages! No more brats! Chicago's restaurants should be legally required to serve only broccoli and prunes.
2. We must stop CTA buses. Those buses emit black clouds of doom the likes of which haven't been seen since the firebombing of Dresden. CTA buses provide all the toxins of second-hand smoking with none of the smug feeling of superiority that accompanies watching some idiot slowly asphyxiate himself with overpriced cancer sticks.
3. No more excessive drinking at bars. Alcohol sales at all establishments must be limited to one glass of wine per customer per day. Like smoking, alcohol is unhealthy to the user as well as the general public. From drunk drivers to drunk bleacher bums urinating on Wrigleyville residents, demon rum clearly causes great harm to Chicago.
These simple measures are sure to drastically improve the health of all Chicagoans. If the war on drugs has proven one thing, it's that prohibition works! Legislating lifestyle choices is an excellent way to ensure that no one ever gets sick or dies.
Or maybe we should just let those poor smokers have their smoking sections. I mean, if the people of Chicago really wanted smoke-free restaurants, wouldn't they only eat at smoke-free restaurants? Maybe if you choose to eat at a restaurant full of second hand smoke, you're smart enough to know what you're doing. And maybe if you're obsessed with breathing clean air, you shouldn't be living within a hundred-mile radius of Gary, Indiana anyway.
