John Green for Senate
Monday, January 12, 2004
Aural learners can listen to this piece through WBEZ.
Dear Ms. Topinka,
I recently learned that Jack Ryan will not be the Illinois Republican Party's senate candidate in 2004 due to the fact that he escorted his wife to several sex clubs, including some in Paris. I understand that the position of Republican senate candidate is now open, and I am writing to express my interest in the job.
Allow me to introduce myself: My chief assets as a candidate are that I have never been married, and that I have never been to a sex club in Paris. It seems to me frankly unAmerican to fly all the way to Paris in search of a sex club when we have several excellent ones right here in the great state of Illinois. When it comes to sex clubs, and also when it comes to other stuff, I am nothing if not a patriot.
In addition to my patriotism, I have for many years devoted myself to community service, by which I mean that I sometimes buy "Streetwise." And while I have no actual political experience, I do have what is called "name recognition." Many people have heard the name John on account of such famous Johns as "the Baptist" and "Wayne Gacy." And most people are aware of green because it is a world-famous color. My name, in fact, lends itself to a number of catchy campaign slogans, such as "Green, like the color of the money you'll have when he is elected and creates jobs for the citizens of Illinois," and also, "John Green - It Doesn't Rhyme with Osama."
I am also the sort of profoundly honest man of character voters in our state need to regain faith in the Republican Party. And it is this very quality that requires me to forthrightly discuss my weaknesses as a potential candidate. First, I am a registered Democrat. But I am willing to convert to Republicanism in the event you choose me as your Senate candidate, and I will toe the party line so long as you don't believe anything crazy, like that rich people should be allowed to keep their money.
Of course the most troublesome facet of my potential candidacy is that I am prohibited from becoming a senator by the United States Constitution, which states that a senator must be at least 30 years old. I am only 26. Fortunately, this will not pose a problem, because I won't win. The Republican candidate for Senate is going to strike out worse than Jack Ryan at an avant-garde Parisian night club. If you select a proven winner for the office, the inevitable loss will only sully his or her reputation. What you need is someone who cannot possibly win, and I think you'll be hard-pressed to locate a finer loser than me. I appreciate your consideration for the available position. You'll find my resume attached.
Sincerely,
John Green
Dear Ms. Topinka,
I recently learned that Jack Ryan will not be the Illinois Republican Party's senate candidate in 2004 due to the fact that he escorted his wife to several sex clubs, including some in Paris. I understand that the position of Republican senate candidate is now open, and I am writing to express my interest in the job.
Allow me to introduce myself: My chief assets as a candidate are that I have never been married, and that I have never been to a sex club in Paris. It seems to me frankly unAmerican to fly all the way to Paris in search of a sex club when we have several excellent ones right here in the great state of Illinois. When it comes to sex clubs, and also when it comes to other stuff, I am nothing if not a patriot.
In addition to my patriotism, I have for many years devoted myself to community service, by which I mean that I sometimes buy "Streetwise." And while I have no actual political experience, I do have what is called "name recognition." Many people have heard the name John on account of such famous Johns as "the Baptist" and "Wayne Gacy." And most people are aware of green because it is a world-famous color. My name, in fact, lends itself to a number of catchy campaign slogans, such as "Green, like the color of the money you'll have when he is elected and creates jobs for the citizens of Illinois," and also, "John Green - It Doesn't Rhyme with Osama."
I am also the sort of profoundly honest man of character voters in our state need to regain faith in the Republican Party. And it is this very quality that requires me to forthrightly discuss my weaknesses as a potential candidate. First, I am a registered Democrat. But I am willing to convert to Republicanism in the event you choose me as your Senate candidate, and I will toe the party line so long as you don't believe anything crazy, like that rich people should be allowed to keep their money.
Of course the most troublesome facet of my potential candidacy is that I am prohibited from becoming a senator by the United States Constitution, which states that a senator must be at least 30 years old. I am only 26. Fortunately, this will not pose a problem, because I won't win. The Republican candidate for Senate is going to strike out worse than Jack Ryan at an avant-garde Parisian night club. If you select a proven winner for the office, the inevitable loss will only sully his or her reputation. What you need is someone who cannot possibly win, and I think you'll be hard-pressed to locate a finer loser than me. I appreciate your consideration for the available position. You'll find my resume attached.
Sincerely,
John Green
