I grew up in Alabama, where the primary architectural questions are, "Is this building going to fall down?" and, "Does this building have a garage? Because I spent a pretty penny on a mint replica of the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard, and I sure don't want any pine needles falling on it."

So initially I was sort of baffled by the hullabaloo surrounding the new Soldier Field. Sure, I thought, the city of Chicago spent a lot of money on the stadium when that money could have given to, say, poor people or, say, me. And yes, the new Soldier Field is ugly. But form follows function, and it's not an art museum. It's a football stadium. And football, particularly where the Bears are concerned, is an ugly game.

By all accounts, the new stadium is more fan-friendly, at least insofar as it contains more urinals, which means that I have possibly peed in my last public sink. There's something sort of sad about that, but pain always accompanies change, and I try to keep an open mind. So I was pretty much in favor of the new stadium until my friend Justin explained to me the paucity of tailgating space.

As a high school student in Birmingham, Alabama, I would drive to Tuscaloosa for every home game the Alabama Crimson Tide played at Bryant-Denny Stadium, which, for the record, makes the new Soldier Field look like a Frank Lloyd Wright masterpiece. I attended the games because A. I liked watching football and B. I liked drinking beer, which worked out nicely because C. there is perhaps no place in America more conducive to underage drinking than the parking lot of Bryant-Denny Stadium. I loved Sundays at Soldier Field because they reminded me of Saturdays in Tuscaloosa.

And now, my nostalgia-drenched tailgating has been stolen away from me so the Bears can have more parking spaces. I'm disgusted. What about all the seventeen-year-old football fans out there? Where will they drink Busch Lite, Mr. Hallas? WHERE? You spent more than half a billion dollars, most of which was our money, and now you have fielded a terrible team that you expect us to watch without first allowing us to get drunk in the parking lot?

The Bears brass, of course, say they just want to give the best experience to the most people, which is true only in a roundabout way. What the Bears want is to make money, because making money is what companies do. They aren't in the business of bringing the greatest good to the greatest number: that's what governments are for. And when the blimpcam shows a wide shot of Soldier Field tonight on Monday Night Football, the message will be obvious: When governments start giving money to for-profit businesses, the results are often -- ugly.