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I'm not saying that gambling is morally wrong. I once cheated on a girlfriend while under the influence of alcohol, which I had purchased with false identification because I desperately needed something to help me forget that earlier in the day I'd hit a dog with my car and left it on the side of the road to die alone--so far be it from me to sit around and talk about morality.

I am only saying that over time, gamblers always will lose money, which is why Mayor Daley and Governor Blagojevich love casinos so much. My opposition to casinos is not a matter of morality. It is a matter of math.

Despite my airtight anti-casino logic, many of my friends like gambling, and every few months, I am dragged to Hammond, where I throw away forty or fifty dollars in twenty minutes. On the drive home, I inevitably think, "Losing money sure is fun, but I wish I didn't have to drive all the way to Hammond to do it."

Now, I'm not saying that Mayor Daley is omniscient or anything. I'm just saying that he has clearly been reading my mind, because now he wants to build a casino right here in Chicago. And I do not doubt that he will do it. One morning, we will wake up and read in the paper that Mayor Daley turned green, developed superhuman strength, and single-handedly built a casino in the dead of night on the grave of Meigs Field.

Mayor Daley reminds me a little of God: His actions may seem random and even hurtful, but in the end, we must trust that He has a good and loving plan for each of us. So if Mayor Daley wants to build a casino, then I am sure we need one. But while I would never question the Mayor's infallibility, I think we might at least consider some other revenue streams.

First, if the economic situation in the city is really critical, maybe Chicago can avoid resorting to stealing money from desperate gamblers by auctioning off some of our assets. Like, for instance, we could sell Studs Terkel. I bet Los Angeles would pay a pretty penny for ol' Studs. Also, we could sell that Picasso statue. I know that a lot of Chicagoans would put up a fuss, ranting and raving about how the Picasso statue is beautiful and priceless and everything. It may or may not be beautiful, but I'll tell you one thing: it ain't priceless, and with EBay's help, I can prove it.

And then there are taxes. Whenever the Mayor starts whining about how Chicago doesn't have any money, I wonder why he doesn't raise my taxes. I know a lot of recent college graduates, and frankly, we need the city to take some of our money, because as it is, we spend it very poorly. After I got done paying for rent and nicorette and other essentials last year, I still had about $1,800 left. I probably should have paid off my credit card bills or given the money to the poor, but I spent most of it on DVDs. Now, obviously I needed the Criterion Edition of The Royal Tennenbaums more than some kid in Little Village needed textbooks. But did I really need Spy Kids 2?

I'm sure a casino in the city will make Chicago a more beautiful and desirable destination both for tourists and residents--just look what casinos did for Detroit! But at some point, we may need to politely ask our beloved Mayor to increase our taxes, because I, for one, am willing to pay more money to keeping sharing a city with Studs and Picasso.