My third grade girlfriend Jennifer Keene is now a network news anchor in Ontario.

Holly Brown, who once told me, "that was the best orgasm I ever had," and then paused a long time before adding, "with you," became a housewife. She's had four kids in forty-two months.

Katie Manning, despite the fact that I sent her two coffee makers for a wedding present with a note that read, "So you can both have one when you get divorced," is happily married to a doctor in Boston.

Mary Jacobsen, who left my toaster oven on the side of the road in Soldotna, Alaska to make room for her new boyfriend's stuff, is a consultant in New York. Which serves her right.

Marie Ponzillo is now the third string Baltimore Raven. I don't mean a third string player for the Baltimore Ravens. I mean the actual Raven, as in the mascot. There are three: Edgar, Allen, and Poe. She's Poe.

Madeline Podnar, who once told me, "you're like a hot big brother," is now a junior in college.

Catherine Holder is a masseuse in Portland. Her web site describes her massages as "sensual," but frankly I remember them as needlessly long.

Laura Holinger, who kissed like a snake, with her tongue darting out from behind closed lips, became, curiously enough, an exotic-animal veterinarian. She was recently on Animal Planet.

Tiffany with no last name couldn't be tracked down, owing largely to the fact that I don't remember her last name, but if you happen to know a 25-year-old Tiffany who went to Eagle's Nest Camp in Brevard, North Carolina when she was 10, please have her send me an E-mail.